| Ghost Of The Past
Captain Jonathan Archer, already clad in his light blue pajama pants and a tight gray shirt after a long exhausting day on the bridge, scratched his beagle's ear as he put the food bowl in front of Porthos. The puppy yelped happily. The CO of Enterprise went over to his desk and sat down to take a final look at the screen in front of him. He flipped through some reports he had meant to look at all day long but found that he was too tired to do it now. Wanting to push the button to turn off the screen his finger slipped and instead pushed the button that brought up the security system. The image of one of the cameras installed in the corridors, the lifts and the most important stations aboard Earth's first warp 5 capable space ship became visible. Jonathan saw two of his subordinates wrapped up in a tight embrace, fondling each other feverishly. He started to grin. Relationships weren't discouraged but nonetheless most of the members of his crew tried to keep them under wraps. Since it wasn't always easy to spend time alone the couples used every opportunity they could get. Jon had bumped into a passionately kissing twosome more than once since Enterprise had left space dock. Guiltily watching the two lovers the captain's heart suddenly skipped a beat. This couldn't be true! He turned away from the screen, not wanting to believe what he had just witnessed. His eyes wandered back to the scene. He saw two men, now hungrily sucking at each others lips. One tall and perfectly muscled with thick blond hair, the other a little smaller, sporting short cut dark hair, with broader shoulders and a massive chest. Trip and Malcolm! His Trip! Jonathan felt a pang of jealousy as he kept watching, unable to turn his eyes away. How could he do this to him? How could he give to Malcolm what belonged to Jon? This wasn't fair! He looked at his best friend as he traced Malcolm's jaw line with his fingers, drawing his thumb over the Brit's parted lips, throwing back his head with pleasure, laughing, as the tactical officer licked the finger. He felt a shiver running down his spine. It should be him down there, not Malcolm! He saw the armory officer wrapping his arms around Trip's neck, pulling him closer, running the tip of his tongue over the chief engineer's throat, then nibbling at his ear. Jon was glad there was no sound to these pictures. The door to the lift opened and Malcolm and Trip backed away from each other, hastily pulling their uniforms back in shape as they stepped into the corridor. The captain stared at the picture of the empty lift, still incapable of tearing his eyes away from the screen. 'Trip, why?' The scene had brought up old memories and feelings, feelings he had buried deep inside his heart. He had once felt what Malcolm had just felt, the same passion. Jon could still recall the feeling of the young Southerner's hands on his body. As if in trance the captain switched off the screen and slumped onto his bed. Malcolm was trespassing into his territory! How could Trip let this happen? He was his! Jon sighed. No, he knew that wasn't true. Trip had ceased to be his the moment Jon had made a decision between loving the Southerner and commanding Enterprise. The ship had won and not until now had he known just how wrong that decision had been. Trip had always been there, had seemingly settled into the close friendship with Jon, had seemed to be content. Jon had ignored every sign that had shown that Trip had needed more. Until tonight. Having seen him with Malcolm would be hard to overlook. It would be impossible to overlook! And the worst part was that he knew whose fault all this was. The pain he felt right now was inflicted by himself, he was the one to blame. It had been his decision. And he knew there was no way to change it. He fell asleep with a single tear running down his cheek and the picture of Trip and Malcolm kissing in front of his inner eye. * * * All day long Captain Jonathan Archer had been pacing up and down Enterprise's corridors. He had walked from the bridge into his ready room, from the mess hall to sickbay, from the gym to the galley, the only places he had avoided had been the armory and the engine room. He had seen both Trip and Malcolm today and it had been hell. The way they related to one another of course hadn't changed in the last 24 hours, but now that Jonathan knew what was going on he could read between the lines, he could comprehend the little signs and signals. And every time he witnessed those gestures it felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart. He looked at the bottle of beer he had been nurturing since he had decided to withdraw into his quarters an hour ago. The jealousy and the self-pity he had felt last night and the entire day hadn't subsided. Determinedly he emptied the drink and stood up. He had to do something and he had to do it now! Standing in front of Commander Tucker's quarters he hesitated for the first time that night. What if Malcolm was with Trip? He couldn't bare the thought of finding the Brit in there, in the privacy of the chief engineer's room. Archer took a deep breath. He had to talk to Trip, no matter what. His best friend opened the door almost immediately after Jon had pushed the button. The expression on his face changed from a welcoming grin to a disappointed frown. In a corner of his mind the captain knew that Trip had expected Malcolm to stand in front of his door. "Cap'n? What'ya doin' here?" The older man stepped into the room, not awaiting the Southerner's invitation to come in. "We need to talk, Trip!" Tucker cast a look from the open door to his captain and raised his shoulders in defeat. "Okay, what's up, Jon?" The CO of Enterprise turned towards his best friend. "I love you, Trip!" The commander's jaw dropped onto his chest. He swallowed and rubbed his forehead. His eyes never left Jonathan's. "Jon, I ..." Archer raised a hand to interrupt him. "Let me finish, Trip! I know I hurt you a lot when I decided that the ship had precedence over our relationship. I can't say how much it meant to me when you nonetheless accepted the assignment as chief engineer. I always feared that my decision could destroy our friendship. But now ..." He paused, trying to find the right words. "I realize that I made the biggest mistake in my life when I let you down. I wish I could turn back the time but I can't! I just can tell you what I feel: I love you!" Trip closed his eyes. To Archer it seemed like decades past before the Southerner spoke again. "Ya're too late, Jon!" The captain had the feeling that his heart was falling apart. "I can't be too late, Trip, you said you loved me!" The chief engineer sighed. "What d'ya expect from me, Jon? That I keep waitin', that I continue cryin' my heart out until ya think it's time to change somethin'? That's not the way this game is played, Jon! I finally was able to get ya out of my head! And I found someone who is not afraid to take some chances!" Archer walked over to him and placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Trip, Malcolm can never give you ..." Tucker's eyes widened. "How d'ya know it's Malcolm?" The captain cursed himself for letting this slip. "I saw you in one of the turbo lifts while a security camera was scanning it." Tucker shook his head in disbelief. "When was that?" Jonathan swallowed. "Last night!" The Southerner snorted disgustedly. "Oh, great, and after havin' seen us ya just happen to realize that what ya did years ago was wrong and that good ol' Trip would probably be pretty pleased about that so ya go and just shove that into his face, yeah?" Archer couldn't believe it, he had never seen the commander act like this before. "Trip, I ..." Tucker just looked at him and Jon knew it was better to keep quiet. "I want ya to leave now, Jon!" Without another word and his head hanging low, the captain stepped into the corridor. "I don't want to talk about this again, Jon, okay? I'm still your friend, but for everythin' else ya're definitely too late!" The door closed behind Archer. The jealousy had vanished. Now there was only frenzy against himself. * * * Lieutenant Malcolm Reed stepped out off his quarters and strolled the few meters to the door of Commander Charles Tucker III. He was looking forward to a nice quiet evening, just relaxing with his lover. He started to grin. His lover ... that sounded so marvelous! It had taken Malcolm a lot of courage to open up to the blond Southerner, so totally unlike himself, always teasing and joking, something the tactical officer wasn't used to. He was like no other man the Brit had ever been with, the light-hearted air that surrounded the chief engineer now seemed to be something Malcolm couldn't live without. A few steps in front of the commander's quarters the lieutenant stopped. The door had just opened and Captain Jonathan Archer stepped into the corridor, head bowed, shoulders hunched. He walked away, not noticing the armory officer. Malcolm frowned and headed for the door. Trip still stood in the entrance, looking absolutely crushed. The lieutenant brushed the blond mane out of his lover's forehead. "Hey, you look like you have seen a ghost!" Tucker leaned his head against Malcolm's shoulder. "A ghost from the past, yeah!" They sat down on the bunk and the Southerner started talking while his lover soothingly stroked his back. Malcolm had known about Jonathan being Trip's best friend, he had always been jealous of their relationship but what he heard now was absolutely new to him. He hadn't known that they had been lovers once, that Jonathan had decided against Trip when it had come to captaining Enterprise, that he had hurt the blond, energetic man in a way so deep even Trip didn't seem to have realized. But Malcolm saw it, he could read that sweet face like a book. The normally merry blue eyes bore a haunted look that hadn't been there only hours ago. Long lost feelings were trying to crawl up out of the depths of the Southerner's heart. "I told him he was too late, that he couldn't change anythin' with those words. I told him I'm happy with ya!" Malcolm just nodded but there was something in Trip's eyes that contradicted his statement. It was doubt, doubt he also had never seen there, as if Trip was questioning something he had done. The Brit's chest almost burst with an unbearable pain as one of his innermost fears slowly rose from the bottom of his soul. The captain and his chief engineer had known each other for so long, they had been through so many precarious situations, they shared so many memories. They had so much more in common than Malcolm and Trip and the lieutenant feared that he could lose Trip to his past. He didn't have to ask the commander to know that right now his only thoughts circled around Jonathan and his confession. "I think I'll better leave you alone so that you can think about ..." He felt Tucker's hands on his arm. "Please, Mal, don't go away, I need you!" Their eyes locked and as much as Malcolm wanted to see love in there the pain and the doubt seemed to override every other sentiment. When Trip wrapped his arms around him and kissed him passionately, even more feverishly than usual, the armory officer had the feeling that he was not kissing him but a long lost love. * * * Malcolm awoke with Trip in his arms, the blond head rested on his chest. The Southerner's sleep was troubled, his breathing irregular. The Brit gently stroked the blond mane back, over and over again, trying to comfort his lover. Suddenly Tucker whispered something, still asleep, dreaming: "Jon!" Malcolm sadly closed his eyes as the commander became quiet again. His insecurity grew. * * * Lieutenant Malcolm Reed sat in his quarters and did something he rarely did, something he normally didn't really care for: he was listening to some music. Since Commander Charles Tucker III, his lover, had gone on shore-leave two days ago when Enterprise had arrived at Jupiter Station, he had grown rather uneasy. In the two weeks that had gone by since Trip's past had caught up with him in the form of Captain Jonathan Archer confessing that he still loved his chief engineer Malcolm and Trip had talked a lot and the armory officer had gotten to know all about the mess Trip had been through when Jon had ended their relationship. The Brit could relate to the Southerner feeling like being torn between past and presence, now that long forgotten hopes were brought back to the top of his mind, he could even live with not knowing exactly whether Trip was going to decide to stay with him or not after what had happened with Jonathan. But what he couldn't live with was to see the pain in Tucker's eyes every time the commander thought he was alone or unobserved. In those moments the blond man wasn't able to conceal the depths of his emotions. And though Malcolm knew that loyalty was one of the most essential skills in a Star Fleet officer he couldn't help accusing the captain for the chief engineer's misery. He had never felt something like this before, probably because he had never felt for somebody what he felt for Trip. The thought of his loved one being hurt drove him absolutely mad. I want
to take his eyes out The comm channel chirped into action. "Captain Archer to Lieutenant Reed!" The Brit pressed his fingernails into his palms in order to calm down. "Go ahead, Sir!" He had to concentrate to keep his voice down. "I'd like to see you in my ready room, Mr Reed!" * * * The door leading from the bridge to Captain Jonathan Archer’s office slid aside with the familiar hiss. Malcolm Reed entered the room and stood perfectly still. "You wanted to see me, Captain?" His superior sat at his desk, looking at him. His normally green eyes were underlined with dark shadows, like they had been for the last days. "I did!" Normally the tactical officer would have felt concern for his captain but nowadays he guiltily had to admit that he wanted him to feel bad. "Please sit down, Malcolm." The Brit didn't move. "I prefer to stand, Sir!" The CO of Enterprise sighed. "Ok, Lieutenant. I just got a message from Admiral Forrest. This morning Trip has had an appointment with him. He has requested to be transferred back to Earth to work in the Warp-5-complex in Bozeman, Montana, at least for a few months. I don't know when you have last talked to him but knowing Trip he probably hasn't even told you yet. I just thought you should know." Malcolm had the feeling as if somebody had just deflated his lungs. Being on Enterprise without Trip? Exploring space without the spirited Southerner? Spending his nights without his lover? Malcolm glared at the captain. All this was his fault, he was the one to blame! A word rushed through the Brit's mind ... vengeance. * * * Commander Charles Tucker III sat on the front porch of his parent's house. He was listening to the wind whistling in the trees, to the waves breaking on the shore, to the birds chirping all around him. In the early years of his childhood these sounds had been able to soothe him when he felt sad or angry but now it seemed these times had passed. He wasn't able to empty his mind of all the thoughts rushing around in there, of all the pictures appearing in front of his inner eye, no matter how hard he tried to get rid of them. Since Jonathan had come to him about two weeks ago to tell him how wrong he had been to give up his relationship with Trip the Southerner's life had been a mess. He had thought that he was happy with Malcolm, that finally his heart would get some rest. But Jon's words had somehow changed everything. The long-planned shore-leave had fitted his needs perfectly. The minute he had left Enterprise he had felt better, more at ease and his decision to ask Admiral Forrest to withdraw him from Enterprise had been very impulsive. Star Fleet's CO hadn't been pleased but in the end he had complied with Trip's wishes, he had known the young Southerner long enough to see that he was serious. The commander needed to be for himself in order to find out what he wanted. And he couldn't do that aboard Enterprise with Jon and Mal around. The engineering team in Bozeman, Montana, awaited him on Monday, Forrest hadn't wasted any time. But till then Trip wanted to spend some hours in peace and quiet. But there seemed to be no peace and quiet for him today. Not having been able to sleep he had paced around the house since the early morning, driving his mother and his sister crazy. "Charles, dinner's ready!" The blond man sighed, grabbed his bottle of beer and went inside. All eyes were fixed on him during the meal. His parents exchanged knowing glances and his sister tried to joke with him, tried to get him to laugh, but even his mom's pan-fried catfish couldn't get Trip out of his gloom. "Have ya finally talked to Jonathan? Or to Malcolm?" His mother's bluntness took the Southerner by surprise. "What?" Melinda Tucker put away her knife and her fork and looked him straight in the eyes. "Ya have to tell them why ya do this, Charles! Ya can't just leave and let Admiral Forrest do all the dirty work! They need to hear it from ya! At least Malcolm needs to hear it from ya!" Trip closed his eyes. "But they already know! The admiral has talk to Jonathan the minute I left his office! And Jonathan surely has told Malcolm!" His mother glared at him. "Charles Tucker III! It was never ya style to be this untrue to yaself. Jonathan has hurt ya a lot, I know that, but there is no reason to do the same to Malcolm! He deserves better! It's not his fault!" The commander had never seen his mother like this. Her blue eyes, which he had inherited from her, were ablaze with fury. "Mom, ya don't know what I'm goin' through!" She leaned closer towards him. "I know damn well what ya're feelin'. You are my son and I've been through this before! I've been there when Jon dumped ya! And I've seen ya face when ya told me about Malcolm." Tucker stood up and turned towards the door. "I need some time on my own! I need to sort out everythin'! And I don't need Malcolm or Jonathan for that!" Melinda Tucker sadly shook her head. "Oh yeah, ya need them! At least one of them! But if you keep denyin' that to yaself there won't be comin' any good out of this!" * * * "Commander, could you take a look at this?" Charles Tucker III was torn out of his reverie. He had meant to finally go over some of the reports Star Fleet Command had send in the last few days and which he had always put aside. But again he had just placed them on the pile with the other paperwork that had to be done. In the two and a half months since he had left Enterprise and had started to work in the Warp-5-complex in Bozeman, Montana, his attitude had become lax. He just did what was absolutely necessary, he had the feeling as if he didn't have the energy to do more than that. All his power was used up by trying to figure out what to do. He didn't want to get hurt again and he didn't want to inflict pain either. But his struggle would most likely wind up in one of those results. "I'll be there in a minute, Ensign!" He sighed and walked over to the counters the students were working at. Ensign Jordans shyly grinned at him. "I think I finally got it, Sir!" Tucker usually liked teaching the new engineers but now that he was so busy with himself he often lacked the patience to deal with them properly. Especially Ensign Jordans had had his share of getting yelled at for even the smallest mistakes. Trip always felt sorry afterwards but he somehow couldn't help it. Now and then he thought Jordans was the aim of his assaults because the young man reminded him of Jonathan and Malcolm. His looks resembled those of Enterprise's tactical officer, the same dark hair, always neatly trimmed, never the shimmer of a beard on his cheeks, the same sturdy body, small-framed but tough, the gray eyes sparkling. His temperament was similar to that of the CO of the NX-01, serious when needed, but funny and bold when appropriate. The Southerner studied the younger man's work. He was getting better every day. "Good job, Ensign! Keep that up! You're gettin' there! Just like I told ya, keep on tryin', everythin' that's new to ya now is goin' to be in your blood before ya know it." Jordans smiled and blushed a little. Trip flinched. He looked just like Malcolm! It was maddening, everywhere he went, everything he saw, there was always something that reminded him of the two most important men in his life. And whenever he thought that he had made a decision there was something that just made him think again! But his three-months-assignment was ending soon and he wanted to get back aboard Enterprise, not just because of the people up there but because he missed working on the engine that had become something like his baby. And he had to make a decision by then. Tucker left Jordans and the other students and went back to his station. He took out his personal PADD and switched it on. Two pictures appeared, that of Lieutenant Malcolm Reed and that of Captain Jonathan Archer. He hadn't spoken to them since he had asked Admiral Forrest to be allowed to take a break from his assignment on Enterprise. They had to be completely mad at him. The first one, Malcolm, his lover, at least Trip thought so. Could two and a half month of not telling somebody what was going on be considered breaking up? The other, Jonathan, his best friend and former lover, now ready to give in to his feelings after he had dumped Trip for captaining the NX-01. It was so hard. Trip needed both, he just couldn't seem to be able to decide who was going to be his friend and who his lover. The feelings for Malcolm were all so new and exciting, he was so different to every other man Trip had ever been with. Jon was the person Trip trusted, even after what he had done to him. They shared a past, they had a lot in common, they knew each other inside out. What was more important? He looked over to the students who had started to laugh loudly, slapping each other's backs. And something fell into place. Commander Tucker suddenly knew just what he really wanted. * * * "Dear Malcolm! I'll be back on Enterprise by next week. But I can't wait till then, I need to tell you now! I don't know what has happened up there in the last three months and I don't know how you feel about me. But I finally know what I want! It's you! The past has no power over me anymore. I want the future to happen to me! I want you to happen to me!" Lieutenant Malcolm Reed dropped the letter, tears were running down his cheeks. A glass of Scotch was standing in front of him, almost empty. "There's a letter for you, Lieutenant!" He could still hear the voice of Ensign Hoshi Sato. She had smiled at him as she had handed him the envelope. No data disk, a real letter. Malcolm had recognized the handwriting immediately and he had retreated into the privacy of his quarters to read it. Grasping the meaning of Trip's words had filled him with an inner peace, with so much joy that he had felt like he was about to burst. Only a few more days and he would be able to lay eye on the blond Southerner again, to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him. He had won, Jonathan Archer was no threat to him! The last three months were forgotten, the doubt, the fear, the pain. Now there was only Trip. And then everything had changed. The day the commander had been supposed to return to Enterprise had started out like any other day, but it would be burnt into Malcolm's soul forever. After a tiresome day they had finally heard Trip over the comm, telling them that he was almost ready to dock. And then they had seen a burst of flames at the starboard thruster of the shuttle pod. The commander never had had a chance, the fire had spread rapidly to the plasma duct and the shuttle had exploded in front of their eyes, being shattered into a million pieces. There had been nothing they could have done to help him, everything had happened so fast. Malcolm's world had ceased to be right there and then. At the funeral he had stood at the grave, feeling numb and empty. The days since the accident had passed like a foggy mass, Malcolm couldn't remember anything. Lost in his mourning his gaze had fallen onto Captain Jonathan Archer, looking as smashed, his eyes filled with sorrow and pain. And Malcolm had known what he had to do. After the service he had walked over to his CO. "Sir, could I talk to you for a moment?" His ranking officer had eyed him suspiciously, they hadn't spoken for quite some time, at least not off duty. "Now? Can't it wait?" The Brit shook his head. "It's important, Sir!" Archer had motioned at a group of firs aside from the rest of the crew and Tucker's family. Enterprise's tactical officer had heard birds chirping peacefully. "I got a letter from Commander Tucker two weeks ago, Sir!" Jealousy shortly replaced the grief and the pain in the captain's eyes. Malcolm sighed inwardly. "I don't know if he has written to you as well," he had seen Archer shaking his head, "I guess he wanted to tell you his decision in person, Sir!" He swallowed and inhaled deeply. "It was you he wanted, Jonathan." Reed could recall the expression on his captain's face on hearing this and he had known that he had done the right thing. He took the last sip of his Scotch and looked at the picture of him and the Southerner on his desk. "I had to do it, Trip. I love you!" * * * "TRIP!!!" Lieutenant Malcolm Reed awoke from a nightmare. Again he had seen the shuttle pod exploding and again he had felt the unbearable pain. He got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Under the hot shower he tried to let the water wash away the dread but the pictures kept haunting him. Only a few days had passed since the funeral. Enterprise's tactical officer toweled himself and put on his uniform. Trying to keep up the normality of his everyday life was the only thing that kept him going. Due to the funeral and the investigations they had left Jupiter Station only yesterday. Being close to the place were his lover had died had been hard on Malcolm and he was glad to get underway. He had begun to do double shifts in order not to be alone in his quarters. Though it was not natural to him he tried to join the crew in off duty activities, he met with Hoshi or Travis for lunch or dinner and he tried not to think too much. His attitude towards the captain had changed a lot, too. They both could relate to the loss the other man was feeling and that had brought them closer together. Malcolm hadn't regretted lying to the captain about Trip's decision. He knew the truth and it had been good to free his superior from his doubt and pain. He knew Trip would have understood. Lieutenant Reed stepped out of the turbo lift. He found Captain Archer and Subcommander T'Pol standing at the comm station, staring intently at Ensign Hoshi Sato. Enterprise's communications officer seemed to be busy translating a general call from an alien vessel. "They say something about having picked up an alien from an unknown species. They are looking for its home world and are asking for assistance in finding clues to where it could be." The CO of the NX-01 eyed his science officer. "What do you think?" The Vulcan raised her eyebrows. "I don't see why we shouldn't try to help them." Archer nodded in Hoshi's direction. "Hail them!" Malcolm saw the captain turning towards the plasma screen on which only days before they had witnessed Trip's death. A head appeared, its appearance barely humanoid. "My name is Captain Krlat." Enterprise's ranking officer bowed his head in salute. "I'm Captain Archer from the starship Enterprise. We heard your call and wanted to offer you our help." The alien frowned. "Maybe you can really help us. You look surprisingly like the alien we have picked up." He turned to one of his crewmembers. "Ulag, ask our guest to join me, please." Lieutenant Reed exchanged a puzzled look with Captain Archer and stepped next to him. Shortly afterwards a second face became visible on the screen. The captain and the armory officer gasped, as did every other member of the crew present on the bridge. Blond hair framed a handsome male face, blue eyes stared back at them. A bandage was covering part of the left cheek, one arm was trussed like it was broken. "TRIP?!" * * * Captain Jonathan Archer pressed the balls of his hands against his eyes and yawned. He stretched and gazed around. Lieutenant Malcolm Reed was sitting on one of the biobeds, one leg pulled up, chin resting on the knee. Dark lines were circling his closed eyes, a shadow of a beard was visible on his cheeks, his dark hair was in disarray. The CO of Enterprise had never seen the Brit this ungroomed. He sighed, he probably didn't look much better himself. The reason for this was lying on one of the other bunks, being examined by Dr. Phlox. Jonathan still couldn't believe it. He stepped next to the Denobulan physician and stared down at the person on the biobed. It was Trip, it was really him! The doctor had run every possible test but all the results were positive: Commander Charles Tucker III wasn't dead! The left cheek was bandaged, a big bruise marred the normally handsome features. The forehead was covered with perspiration due to a high fever, the blue eyes bore a haunted look and were the only thing that didn't seem to fit into the Southerner's well known appearance. The blond man hadn't said a word since they had brought him aboard Enterprise, according to Dr. Phlox this was to blame on the trauma and the shock. The only clues they had had been given to them by Captain Krlat, the alien who had asked for assistance after he had picked up Trip. It seemed like his vessel had been on a research mission when they had suddenly detected some unusual readings on the transporting device they had been testing. When they had tried to correct them they had found Trip in their cargo bay. Seemingly he had accidentally been beamed out of the shuttle pod at about the same moment it had exploded. He had been severely hurt and they had treated him with the best medical care there was. When he was conscious again they wanted to bring him back to his home world but he hadn't talked to them, not one single word. Until Enterprise had responded to their hail they hadn't had a hint of where to start their search. "How is he, Doc?" Dr. Phlox turned off the scanner. "The arm will heal, the bruise on the cheek will subside. He will be okay." Lieutenant Reed slid of the biobed and joined them. The doctor frowned. "But I don't know when the psychological damage will heal. Since he doesn't talk it's hard to say what the problem is. I guess he can't remember anything, he doesn't know his name or where he is. He must be terrified." Archer looked into the blue eyes of his beloved chief engineer and he knew Phlox was right. This wasn't good old Trip, this was a man who felt lost, who was frightened. "What can we do?" It was the first time Malcolm talked since Trip had come aboard. He had retreated into himself, eyes always fixed on the commander, never leaving his side. Jonathan felt sad for the man, now that the chief engineer was back Malcolm would have to stand aside and would have to live with Trip and Jonathan being together. The captain's heart beat faster. When Tucker was back to normal, which he didn't doubt for a moment, they would finally have the chance to start all over again. He had his Trip back! Jonathan was startled out of his musing when the doctor answered Malcolm's question. "He needs rest, Lieutenant. That's about all we can give him right now. Let him explore the ship, let him mingle with the crew, but let him do it in his own way and time! Don't push him, don't try to force him! Now, please get back to the bridge or to whatever you've got to do! Both of you! He needs sleep!" The captain didn't even try to argue with the Denobulan and neither did Malcolm. The sickbay doors slid aside and they stepped into the corridor. "Will you be okay, Mr Reed?" The tactical officer of the NX-01 barely nodded. After a few steps he turned around again. "Permission to swap my duty with Ensign Hart, Sir? I'd like to lie down a little!" Archer tried to look past the barricade the lieutenant had erected around himself but he was unsuccessful. "Permission granted!" * * * My name is supposed to be Trip. Or Commander Charles Tucker III. It seems like I am the chief engineer of a starship named Enterprise. Do I really know how take care of a warp engine? What the hell is a warp engine? I drift off into sleep. Gratefully I welcome the darkness. It helps me forget that I have forgotten almost everything about myself. In my dream there is a tall dark blond man, green eyes are holding my stare, the gaze full of love. The man stretches out his hands and strokes my cheek, the fingers gliding down my jaw line. His touch is somehow familiar, though the face is not. He is not that young anymore, perhaps in his mid-forties but he is handsome and his whole being radiates a feeling of love and trust. I notice wide shoulders, muscular pectorals, strong biceps, clad in a tight fitting red shirt. His fingers keep running up and down my neck, the caress sending shivers down my spine. I like the feeling. I place one hand at the nape of his neck, pulling him towards me. His lips taste wonderful, they are soft and wet and I trace their outline with the tip of my tongue. I feel his hands on my back, wandering down to my butt, squeezing it tightly. He opens his mouth and our tongues touch. It's pure electricity. He moans and I cherish the sound. I tousle through his hair, messing up the plain side-parting and he grins as he pulls the seam of my shirt up over my head. His thumbs fondle my nipples and I throw back my head, groaning deep down in my throat. He sucks at my neck, leaving a love-bite and I try to pull up his face to kiss him but he keeps on sucking and licking. Suddenly the picture changes. I feel lips on my bare chest, a tongue toying with my nipples, a hand resting on my crotch. I reach down to pull up the head that keeps driving me crazy. Grey eyes, sparkling with lust, are leering at me, sensitive lips are moistened by a wet tongue. The man is small-framed but muscular, proportions fitting perfectly. His dark hair is silky to the touch. His chest is heaving, his pectorals are bathed in sweat and he is panting. I just love the sound. I feel the hand on my crotch moving to the seam of my shorts, gently pulling down the skivvies. I shiver as I feel his breath on my dick and I almost swoon when his tongue touches the hot flesh. My fingers search for his firm behind, stroking up and down the rim between the cheeks and I am rewarded by a grumbling moan but he doesn't let go of my dick. I feel a wave of heat and energy flowing over my body. I wake up, still lying on the bed in the room which seems to be some kind of sickbay. There is nobody around but I know they will show up sooner or later. I suddenly realize that I have seen the men in my dream before. They have been there all through the examination of the alien doctor. They seem to know who I am and my dream tells me that I should know them as well. In spite of everything I have to smile. I am getting really curious about what this is all about. I am going to find out who I am, I am going to find out where I belong. And I definitely am going to find out what parts these men play in my life. * * * Commander Charles Tucker III was strolling up and down the corridors of Enterprise. Dr. Phlox had allowed him to get out off bed for an hour and he wanted to use the time to start to get to know the ship, to get a feeling for the surroundings that had been his home for almost two years. At least that's what they had told him. 'They' were Captain Jonathan Archer, Lieutenant Malcolm Reed and the rest of the crew of the starship whose chief engineer he was supposed to be. Everywhere he went people were staring at him. Trip couldn't blame them. For almost a week they had thought that he was dead, killed during an explosion of a shuttle pod he had been captaining back to Enterprise. Seeing him now must be a shock to them, even though he knew that the captain had talked to his subordinates about it. He just smiled at them and returned their greetings though he didn't have a single clue who they were. The blond Southerner couldn't remember anything, the only hint that he did know some of these people was the vivid dream he had had about the captain and the tactical officer, a quite revealing dream which had involved naked bodies and a lot of sweat. He smirked, remembering the scenes. He turned around when he heard a funny noise behind him. He could have sworn it had sounded like a dog barking. Just at that moment a beagle jumped up his leg, obviously very pleased to see him. Trip bent down to tickle his belly. "Hi there! What the hell is a dog doin' aboard a spaceship?" A warm voice answered him. "Watching over his master!" The commander looked up and his gaze was caught by a pair of blue eyes. They belonged to Captain Jonathan Archer and now he could see the same expression of love in them he had seen in his dream. "Captain Archer!" The older man frowned. "You have never called me 'Captain Archer' before, Trip!" The chief engineer grinned inwardly. What might he have called him? Honey, sweetie, love? "I'm sorry, I just can't remember things like that!" 'Not yet!' he added to himself. "It will come to you sooner or later, I'm sure about that!" Archer cast him a scrutinizing look. "What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be resting?" Trip winced. The captain seemed to be quite protective. "The doc has allowed me to take a walk. I would never disobey my doctor's orders and walk around without his approval!" He noticed Malcolm Reed coming around the corner. The Brit gazed at the captain, the look full of jealousy. Tucker had to think about his dream again as the tactical officer stepped closer. The animosity between the lieutenant and the captain was obvious and the Southerner realized that these two were competitors, competitors for his attention, for his ... love? Which one had he preferred, which one had been his favorite? What past had he shared with either of them? His head was spinning and he felt dizzy. Both men immediately reached out to steady him, both faces shadowed with concern. "We'll better get you back to sickbay!" Malcolm's voice was soft and tender and a shiver ran down Trip's spine. "Yeah, we better do that!" They still clung to his elbows, not intending to let him go, glaring at one another behind his back. Then the Southerner suddenly didn't feel Malcolm's grip anymore. He saw something in the Brit's eyes which he couldn't quite grasp. "I'll see you around, Commander!" Archer's grip fastened on Trip's arm as he led him towards sickbay. Tucker's eyes lingered on the tactical officer, disappointed that he had given up, that he had surrendered to the captain. Back in sickbay, lying on his bunk again, the captain sitting by his side, telling him about things that had happened in the past, Trip closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. The last picture he saw in front of his inner eye was that of Lieutenant Malcolm Reed. * * * I open my eyes and I immediately start to smile. My name is Commander Charles Tucker III, I know that now. I am the chief engineer of the starship Enterprise. And I am in love with Lieutenant Malcolm Reed! My heart is racing and I feel a heat-wave running through my veins. This night I've had another dream, a quite enlightening dream. A dream that has brought back everything that I thought I had lost. I know everything now, I know about Jon and I know about Mal. I remember my three months leave and I remember my letter to my lover. It feels wonderful to have filled those holes in my brain. "Commander, how are you feeling today?" I sit up and look into the face of Dr. Phlox. "I'm great, Doc! Right now I feel like takin' a shower and diggin' in the biggest breakfast ever! But first ...!" I grin inwardly. '... I'm goin' to kiss the livin' daylights out of that cute armory officer!' I add to myself. The Denobulan stares at me. "Commander? You still look a little feverish to me! Let me check that." He heads for the console to get his scanner but I hold him back. "Doc, that's no fever, that's just excitement! I remember! Everything! And one thing I remember pretty clearly is that I hate stayin' in bed when it isn't necessary!" I swing my legs off the bunk and grab the blue sweat pants and the white shirt that rest on the biobed next to mine. "Commander, I think ...!" I interrupt him. "I'm fine, really! I'll get back to you the minute I have done what I have to do, okay? But this is really important!" I take a look at my watch and without another word I walk towards the door and step into the corridor. I can imagine the expression on the alien's face. It's still early. On my way I meet only a few of my crewmembers but the ones I do meet are perplexed when I call them by their names and they start to grin broadly. Standing in front of Malcolm's quarters I take a deep breath and push the door bell. "Come in!" I open the door and step into the neatly tidied room. "Hey Mal!" He is sitting at his desk and stares at me. "Trip?" I step in front of him, my eyes never leaving his. Squatting down I rest my hands on his knees. "I am sorry for havin' kept ya waitin' for three months!" His marvelous gray eyes widen. "You rem...?" I don't let him finish the sentence, instead I lean closer towards him and place a single kiss on his soft lips. "I love ya, Mal!" His fingers touch my cheeks and comb back my hair. His face changes, the doubt and anger and pain leave it and are replaced by pure joy and love. "You're back! I've got you back!" He strokes my lips with his thumb and I feel a shiver running down my spine. We kiss, gently at first, then heatedly, discovering one another all over again. I wrap my arms around the Brit's broad shoulders and I see something in his desk. It's my letter. I pick it up and smile at my lover. "I meant what I wrote in that letter, everything!" Malcolm winces. "The letter!" I don't understand why he seems so upset all of a sudden. "What's up?" And then he starts telling me what he has done, what he has told Jon when they had thought that I was dead. I can't blame him, I actually am proud of him for helping Jon in the hardest of times. "We'll talk to him. He will understand. He still is my best friend!" I kiss the tip of his nose and I just enjoy holding him. This is my future.
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